Sunday, March 25, 2012

My blog is not very personal. I don't talk about my deepest fears, my worries, my bad days, my greatest hopes, my blog isn't a story of my day to day life. In fact as I was going back through my posts, this blog doesn't really tell anything about my life since I began blogging. You could not read through these posts and get a sense for the path my life has taken. You won't know what I did last weekend because of my blog, you won't know much, if anything, about my job after reading my blog, you won't know much about the people in my really won't know anything about where my head is at or where most of my time is spent. And I like it that way.

Now, not that there is anything wrong with using your blog to talk about  your weekend or your kids or your job or your relationships...I enjoy reading blogs that do all these things. I enjoy feeling caught up and connected to my friends and family who provide this kind of insight into their lives.

I've been told that I'm fairly...closed-off. Which I always sort of knew, and sort of liked, but am now discovering that it has it's drawbacks. The point is, I think I may try to work towards becoming slightly more upfront and maybe a little more personal in my communications with other people. It sounds painful, and without my therapist I probably would have given up already. But I thought about it, and it seems like this blog may be a good place to start. So, in the spirit of openness, here are some things I don't generally tell people and rarely ever talk about:
  • I do not know how to braid hair. I've tried once or twice, it didn't work. Thinking about asking my 6 year-old sister to teach me but I know the face she'll make, and I think I'm still a little too proud to ask. I'm working on that.
  • I enjoy my job, I really like the variety and the people and the sense of accomplishment that comes. However, I hate office politics and processes that seem to be there just for the sake of having a process. I hate it when people say no just because they think they can't always say yes. And I have found working at the same company as my dad a little tricky to navigate at times. People ask me about working "for" my dad a lot, and I usually say, "Oh, I never see him, he's in the corner office and I'm in the basement cubicle." Which is true. But even with that organizational distance, things still happen...opinions, office politics, and bosses definitely can conflict with a father-daughter relationship. However, it's actually really really great to have someone to talk to who really gets my job, and it's been eye-opening to see what my dad has really been doing all these years. "Dad's working" means something TOTALLY different now.
  • I have not graduated from college, however I almost never bring that up. It's easy to say I went to BYU and was a Philosophy major, which is completely true. But...people draw their own conclusions and I don't jump in to correct them. I think of myself as college educated, and who needs a silly little paper that says you jumped through a bunch of hoops! Except I don't really believe that...I have two classes left, well I'm halfway through one of the two, but I kind of enjoy seeing how far I can get without a degree. Plus I completely hate the idea of going back down to Provo to sit in a classroom and talk about theoretical philosophical stuff and write essays and...yuck.
  • I haven't been to church in several months for two reasons. One, at a certain stage of life, church becomes all about finding friends and/or dates, and even the people with the most sincere intentions can't prevent this from interfering with their church experience. And two, let's be honest...9am on a Sunday, getting "dressed up"...not my thing. 
  • I think I may be allergic to hugs. With very few exceptions, I get extremely uncomfortable, a little warm, and completely flustered by them. Contrary to popular belief, it's not because I dislike them. I dislike them because this always happens! Plus I'm really not good at it, when you're told that hugging you is like hugging a cardboard box, it doesn't make you eager to repeat the experience. Also, I don't think hugging is necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye". That's why we have the words "Hello" and "Goodbye". If a hug communicates something, it should be something that can't quite be communicated in words. I'm not sure what that is exactly, but I'm sure there's something there.  
  • I really really love my parents. I never say it, I don't tell them that, but I really do. My parents are smart and supportive and generous, nice people. There are moments from time to time when I find myself thinking, "Wow, some people's moms didn't ever cook and they just had hamburger helper all the time!" or "I can't believe some people's parents didn't teach them table manners." I guess that sounds kind of dumb, but I feel incredibly lucky to have been raised the way I was. I think I'm still too close to my teenage years to admit that to my parents, but maybe they might read this post someday. Then they'll know and we won't have to have an awkward conversation about it.
  • I enjoy living alone, it's fabulous going home and really being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. My time is my time, and it's not impacted by anyone else. However, it can be lonely too. Not speaking to another human being for 8 hours, 24 hours, 48 hours...I've been surprised how much I have to say at the end of my "alone time". I sometimes think having another warm body around would be nice...hence the reason I am in the process of adopting a pig! I thought an aquarium would help, but fish do not count as "warm bodies" by any definition. Plus, the pig will never mess with my DVR or eat my food. It does mean I'll have to give up pork products, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. 
There, how's that for being open? A little window into the real me.