Thursday, July 18, 2013


I have issues with Depression. I'm not embarrassed to say this (anymore) but at the same time it's very hard to talk about. I think many people can share their experience after they feel like they're out of it, which I am not. Or some people like to share how they're feeling when they're in the depths of it, which I am not.  I'm somewhere in the middle and still figuring out how to figure it out. 

It may be hard for me to talk about because I apparently have a "limited emotional vocabulary". I'm an "isolator", an "introvert", and "in a bad way." I have days of real "darkness" and "despair" and I have days of "relief". These are all terms that get thrown around in the land of "mental illness" so it's easy to use them to describe what is going on without really saying anything about what's really going on. I don't intend to say anything terribly personal about it here, other than Depression is a bummer, I don't particularly care for it, but I've learned a lot about myself through the process. 

I've learned that I'm apparently "emotionally constipated" and that if my therapist were to draw me as a stick figure (which she has done on multiple occasions) I would have a very large, overdeveloped head with a tiny, weak undernourished heart/chest region. (I would have thought this setup prevented all that "feelings" stuff from getting in the way but apparently that's not how it works)

 I've learned that ignoring emotions doesn't make them go away, and that it isn't normal to be extremely uncomfortable and want to run out of the room when someone starts crying.

 I've learned that I have an extreme and irrational fear of looking stupid, which is why I appear perfect to all of you, all the time.

 I've learned that sitting on a couch with both parents talking to a therapist about feelings might just be one of the most unpleasant experiences a human can have.

 I've learned that fish tanks, TV series, Groupon deals, and takeout food are not the answers, but that cats, sunshine, Mamma Mia (the movie with Meryl Streep), and a nice little cocktail of medications...those help.