Thursday, July 18, 2013


I have issues with Depression. I'm not embarrassed to say this (anymore) but at the same time it's very hard to talk about. I think many people can share their experience after they feel like they're out of it, which I am not. Or some people like to share how they're feeling when they're in the depths of it, which I am not.  I'm somewhere in the middle and still figuring out how to figure it out. 

It may be hard for me to talk about because I apparently have a "limited emotional vocabulary". I'm an "isolator", an "introvert", and "in a bad way." I have days of real "darkness" and "despair" and I have days of "relief". These are all terms that get thrown around in the land of "mental illness" so it's easy to use them to describe what is going on without really saying anything about what's really going on. I don't intend to say anything terribly personal about it here, other than Depression is a bummer, I don't particularly care for it, but I've learned a lot about myself through the process. 

I've learned that I'm apparently "emotionally constipated" and that if my therapist were to draw me as a stick figure (which she has done on multiple occasions) I would have a very large, overdeveloped head with a tiny, weak undernourished heart/chest region. (I would have thought this setup prevented all that "feelings" stuff from getting in the way but apparently that's not how it works)

 I've learned that ignoring emotions doesn't make them go away, and that it isn't normal to be extremely uncomfortable and want to run out of the room when someone starts crying.

 I've learned that I have an extreme and irrational fear of looking stupid, which is why I appear perfect to all of you, all the time.

 I've learned that sitting on a couch with both parents talking to a therapist about feelings might just be one of the most unpleasant experiences a human can have.

 I've learned that fish tanks, TV series, Groupon deals, and takeout food are not the answers, but that cats, sunshine, Mamma Mia (the movie with Meryl Streep), and a nice little cocktail of medications...those help. 


.::still blinking::. said...

I know all about depression and anxiety. I suffer regularly from them all. I'm so thankful for my happy pills and therapists and for being in my 30s. Being older has somehow helped me shed a lot of the problems I have had. When I was 25ish I really struggled and was pissed at everyone. Somehow I've gotten over a lot of it. Also, one day I was in a yarn store and there were these oldish (65-ish years and around there) ladies. They were sitting around knitting and complaining about their parents. I was kind of astonished, I felt they were far to old to be mad at their parents still. I decided I was not going to be one of them. I really wanted to move on with life. It has really helped. I finally realized, my parents did a totally half-assed and crappy job. It wasn't what I needed at all. But I really think they did the very best they could. They were dealing with their own stuff and as crappy as they did, it was their best. So I forgave them. It has helped.

I hope you can find peace. Forgiveness is a huge step. Also, I love some happy pills for almost any occasion. Good luck. :)

Julia Kay said...


I am majorly impressed with your willingness to share, because you are exactly right, many people do not share until they have their "happy ending", which is fine, but not always helpful to those who are in the midst of it.

I hope you know you have many around you who love you and will happily watch Mama Mia and get take-out with you and talk about how one day you will have a miniature pig for a pet :)

so good to hear from you!

whitney harris said...

i whole heartedly agree with what julia said! love you jenn and i can't wait until we can hangout again. really wish we could go back to seattle!

Nicole Tillmann said...

Jen, I just really appreciated reading this. I think you know I have had the same problem. I am one of those people that will talk about it, now that I am better. Lately though I feel I have been falling back into it. It is such a horrible and hard thing to go through. Thanks for sharing.