What Amazon Says About My Life

Today I was thinking about what I have to offer the blogosphere by way of an update on my life. I don't have husbands or children to take pictures of, or to take pictures of me (oh darn). The pictures I do have look like this:

So instead, I'm going to provide a glimpse at my life as seen through the purchase recommendations I receive from the likes of Amazon, Groupon, etc.

Recommendation #1) The Little Mermaid (Two-Disc Platinum Edition) courtesy of Amazon. Fun fact about me, I really enjoy classic Disney movies and have been gathering DVDs for my collection. In this case however, I did not spring for the DVD....I'm not willing to pay $36 even if it is a special edition.

Recommendation #2) Catit Design Sense Grass Garden Kit . I have cats. Sometimes I buy them dumb stuff, Amazon knows it, and they're doing a great job getting me to buy even more. 

Recommendation #3) Pelikan 12 Color Opaque Watercolor Set courtesy of Amazon. No I have not taken up painting in my spare time. I wasn't actually sure why this was recommended but Amazon has this handy "Why recommended?" button, so I clicked on it and discovered that when you buy a popular psychology/self-improvement book, you must also be interested in painting. 

Recommendation #4) The Abolition of Man by C.S. Lewis courtesy of Amazon. I'd like to say I've been doing some philosophical/intellectual reading as of late but I haven't. I had the best of intentions when I bought five other C.S. Lewis books but I keep going back to books like The Da Vinci Code and Bossypants. 

Recommendation #5) Carpet cleaning courtesy of Groupon. They recommended this to me because I had purchased a Groupon for carpet cleaning in the past. You would think, since I already had my carpet cleaned, I wouldn't need another one...but you would be wrong. I have a cat with what I affectionately call "separation anxiety" but in actuality is probably just an issue of laziness. Whenever I am upstairs this cat refuses to go downstairs to use the litter box. Instead he chooses to use my sock drawer or my suitcase or just some corner of the carpet. So I need my carpets cleaned, again. 

Recommendation #6) Love courtesy of eHarmony, Match, ChristianMingle, and more! I dabbled in online dating but am currently on hiatus...what's astonishing is how many matches they suddenly have for me. Apparently by not participating in online dating, you become irresistible to online daters. If I'd known this I would have quit months ago. 

Consider yourself up-to-date. I like movies designed for young children but am too cheap to pay for platinum editions. I have cats. I buy self-help books and apparently ought to take up painting, or some other similar hobby. I read bourgeois books but aspire to greater literature choices. My carpets need to be cleaned because my cat won't leave my side. And finally....what you didn't need me to tell you, I am missing out on having that special someone in my life. 

If you're thinking about what Christmas present to get me I would be happy to send you the rest of my Amazon recommendations, they seem to be spot on.

Depression

I have issues with Depression. I'm not embarrassed to say this (anymore) but at the same time it's very hard to talk about. I think many people can share their experience after they feel like they're out of it, which I am not. Or some people like to share how they're feeling when they're in the depths of it, which I am not.  I'm somewhere in the middle and still figuring out how to figure it out. 

It may be hard for me to talk about because I apparently have a "limited emotional vocabulary". I'm an "isolator", an "introvert", and "in a bad way." I have days of real "darkness" and "despair" and I have days of "relief". These are all terms that get thrown around in the land of "mental illness" so it's easy to use them to describe what is going on without really saying anything about what's really going on. I don't intend to say anything terribly personal about it here, other than Depression is a bummer, I don't particularly care for it, but I've learned a lot about myself through the process. 

I've learned that I'm apparently "emotionally constipated" and that if my therapist were to draw me as a stick figure (which she has done on multiple occasions) I would have a very large, overdeveloped head with a tiny, weak undernourished heart/chest region. (I would have thought this setup prevented all that "feelings" stuff from getting in the way but apparently that's not how it works)

 I've learned that ignoring emotions doesn't make them go away, and that it isn't normal to be extremely uncomfortable and want to run out of the room when someone starts crying.

 I've learned that I have an extreme and irrational fear of looking stupid, which is why I appear perfect to all of you, all the time.

 I've learned that sitting on a couch with both parents talking to a therapist about feelings might just be one of the most unpleasant experiences a human can have.

 I've learned that fish tanks, TV series, Groupon deals, and takeout food are not the answers, but that cats, sunshine, Mamma Mia (the movie with Meryl Streep), and a nice little cocktail of medications...those help. 

Groupon Addiction

If you haven't tried Groupon or sites like it.....you've got to start! Here are just a few examples of how I've benefited:

• Cutlery - Well of course I don't have enough cutlery, how could I say no? (I now have at least 6 forks and 12 knives that have never been used - they just sit in the drawer and never make it into the rotation. Don't seem to have this problem with spoons.)
• Vitamins - Everyone always says I should take vitamins and now's my chance! Never mind the fact that they taste like alfalfa and I tried one and threw the rest out. It was a bargain so I really didn't waste money - only $40 when it should have been $80!
• Watch - I was thinking I might possibly need a watch and hey - 50% off! I've worn it once in a year but again, it was a deal so that's ok.
• Vietnamese/Mexican Fusion Cuisine - Oh that restaurant sounds good - I know it's 30 minutes away and I may not know anyone interested in this particular kind of fusion. But of course I'll come up with a reason to get there - it's such a great deal.
• Games - I love games, I'm sure I'll want to buy one soon so why not get a discount.
• Camelbak backpack - I was just on a hike the other day and envying someone's camelback - now I can have one of my own for the 2.3 hikes I take per year.
• Contact lenses (yes it really did get this bad) - I have to squint to read small print far away lately, so I bet I'll be needing some sort of vision help. I need to take advantage of this deal now for when I have to get them for real.* ** *** ****

*Note: You can't just buy lenses without a prescription. 
**Note 2: You need to find an eye doctor to check your vision - the little chart in the hall of the doctor'a office is not enough. 
***Note 3: If I were to need vision help, I'd have to go with glasses - I tried sticking something in my eye and it did not work. 
****Note 4: Upon trying some glasses on, I discover my ears are lopsided - now on the lookout for a Groupon for ear-adjusting plastic surgery

The Library Missing from My Genes

As I go through life, I realize more and more all the things I don't know. Some of this is normal, but what I'm talking about in this case are things that seem to be inherently obvious to most around me (women specifically) but somehow did not make it into my genetic code. My first thought when I don't know something is to Google it....but I think I need more than search results or wikipedia here. I need books, large volumes, and probably a tutor to go with them. If anyone knows of books like these, please let me know:

• Matching for Dummies - Beyond the black shoe/brown belt faux pax. 
• The Vocabulary of Hair - Speak the language of the Salon!
• Love The Burn - Making running your life's passion
• For me, in the case of running this is probably a more reasonable title: Lessons in Performing - how to make everyone think running is your favorite hobby
• Purses Explained.
• Walking Made Easy? No Thanks: How evolution took the fun out of trying to walk upright and how high heels bring it back
• The People You Meet in Your Dreams or Sleepwear Selection - you thought it was about comfort?
• The Big Book of Terms You Should Know Before Using and/or Questions You Should Never Ask a Stranger - Vulva, Dipstick, and more!

I'm sure there are millions more titles to put on my list...but I think these six would be a good start.

Profile Pictures

This post may apply to all social media outlets, blogs, you name it, but the primary motivation for this post comes from the world of online dating. Basically this is a list of don'ts for men, although some may apply to women also. I've ordered these by level of acceptability, with the completely unacceptable being at the bottom.

#1 - Don't use a photo of you with any face-blocking accessories on: goggles, masks, overly large hats, hoods, helmets and the like just make it seem like you're hiding something. Although, if you're trying to hide something, this may be a good strategy. Just remember that if someone sees a picture like this, they are going to look at your other pictures to see if you are in fact hiding something. If you are, hide it in all your pictures for maximum effect.

Clearly loves to scuba dive...but that's what the "interests/hobbies" sections of the profiles are for!

#2 - Don't take a picture of yourself in the mirror. When I see one of these, here are some of the thoughts that run through my mind:

-They knew they were going to use this as their profile picture and they chose that face/shirt/pose etc.? What message are they trying to send with that angry face? Or that Anime shirt? Or the gangster pose?

-That mirror is really dirty, and whatever is in the background looks dirty too. If filthiness is apparent even in a phone picture of you in the mirror, not ok.

-Did he need to work this hard to get a profile picture? Is he so vain he wanted to pose? Are his other "real life" pictures so bad he couldn't use them? Does he take mirror pictures of himself regularly?

Don't think a caption is necessary here.

Note: Pictures being taken using the camera on computers are more acceptable. However, don't use too many artsy effects....the result is not usually good. Also, these pictures are rarely flattering so I generally don't think it's a good idea.

Would you want to meet this guy for dinner alone? Pretty sure I've seen this photo on Law & Order SVU

#3 Don't ever use a shirtless photo for your profile picture unless you want to seem stupid, shallow and vain. I'm not saying there's no place for shirtless photos, but the only way they can be used without creating the aforementioned reputation is if they are candids and show you in a setting where being shirtless is completely expected. By this I mean boating, swimming, or on the beach...I actually can't think of any other scenarios that are appropriate. Bottom line...if a shirtless photo is the best asset you have for your dating profile then hopefully there are lots of girls out there with bikini pictures showing their best assets. I haven't ever seen any female dating profiles, but I'm sure they're out there, don't you worry. 

Horseback riding through water while shirtless...you know, how you do

#4 Never ever ever ever ever use a shirtless photo you took in the mirror. Under no circumstances should that be used on the internet, ever. I don't even think this needs explanation.

#5 Just don't be weird! Photos with inside jokes or special meanings should be saved for a later stage in a relationship. 

The caption on on this man's profile read, "Classic baseball under chin pose." 

Normalcy, that's what the profile picture should demonstrate...save the quirks, vanities or creativity for later.

*Note: All of the pictures in this post were taken from real profiles on real online dating sites (and believe me this is just a small sampling of the pictures that could have been used). Names will not be disclosed to protect identities...but if you know any of these people, maybe help them out?

Philosophizing

I've been out of the Philosophy world for awhile now so I decided I needed to do a little philosophical muscle stretching. Included here are a few of my philosophies on ordinary things:

Stop signs in America - I was at a Stop sign today and for about 30 seconds no one, at any of the fou

r roads into the intersection, would go. It was clearly NOT my turn, so I wasn't going to go, but no one else seemed to either. It seemed completely un-American. We are not a country that encourages pauses, especially when there seems to be some advantage to be gained by going first! We're always pushing to get ahead, working harder than the next person, getting further faster. I mean think about the phrase "keeping up with the Jones'"! We're all about getting ahead...and yet these four cars sat and waited and wouldn't take their opportunity. It was so strange, and even stranger that I thought it was so strange. I wonder if a European, or even a Canadian, would even have noticed.

Lawyers - I don't really think you need lawyers to read through every legal document you sign to check for catches or terms that were sneaked in...what you really need them to do is catch what's NOT written in the documents. Lawyers have the ability to think of every possible bad outcome that is not specifically addressed, with a great attention to crazy details that you might think no one in their right mind would even notice, even ones you think might just be covered by common sense. Also, it is nice to have people around whose job it is to read through those boring documents all day so you don't have to! In a nutshell - lawyers are serious pessimists who make long, boring documents longer and more boring, but thankfully they keep us from having to deal with the longness and and the boringness!

Fast food - I know it's unhealthy and lazy and all sorts of other bad things, but honestly, I don't think it tastes as bad as everyone says. Would I rather eat at McDonalds than a nice steak house? Most of the time, no. BUT, fast food does fill a niche. Sometimes a Taco Bell burrito hits the spot, doesn't mean it's in the same category as a Cafe Rio burrito, or a homemade burrito, but you don't go to Taco Bell expecting a burrito like Cafe Rio or one from home. Fast food has it's place, and I say appreciate it for what it is! That said....there is some food that is just not meant to be fast - macaroni and cheese for example. That is a food that cannot be translated into fast food and still maintain and acceptable level of palatability. 

100 Posts!

I just discovered the stats information for my blog, not sure why I never bothered to check it before as it is kind of fascinating. I am well-liked in the United States and also apparently have a decent following in Eastern Europe. I suppose I'll have to keep my audience in mind more now that I know this, maybe I'll write about hockey or communism or something.

But, the most important thing I discovered is that my last post was my 100th, seems like a milestone worth mentioning. In fact, what I decided to do was go back and re-read some of the original 100, and at the risk of seeming self-indulgent and conceited, I have selected my top ten posts and listed them here. I don't expect you to read them, it's just a nice self-reflective exercise for me, and that's what this blog is really about anyway. That's right, I'll be honest, this blog isn't about you, it's about me. Blogs are inherently arrogant, to assume that details of our lives are worth sharing with the world, and even more arrogant that we think the world might really enjoy everything we have to say. I won't deny that I secretly hope people enjoy what I write, but having read back over my first 100 posts, I realize I don't care so much if other people are entertained, because I am completely delighted that I have these random thoughts captured so I can go back and remember things I never would have remembered if I hadn't had a blog to fill. I enjoyed the first 100, and I'm not sure how the next 100 can quite live up to the originals, but apparently a lot can happen in five years...

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2008/10/byu-top-ten.html

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2008/11/cave-person-day-at-palace-golf-club-and.html

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2009/03/doctor-dread.html

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2009/02/facebook-friends.html

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2009/06/subjects-not-to-discuss-until-age-7.html

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2009/07/paragliding-in-switzerland.html

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2010/03/parker-deficiency.html

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2010/05/hot-tub.html

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2011/01/business-professionl-or-not.html

http://jenwest.blogspot.com/2011/12/wards-that-must-not-be-named.html